A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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