Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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