The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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