I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize