I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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