U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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