You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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