At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize