The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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