A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
