My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
