My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize