i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I checked into jail on foursquare
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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