Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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