Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
