Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
