This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
