Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
