We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
