I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
