Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
