i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I just found a bag of teeth...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
