so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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