So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize