im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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