Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
