I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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