How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
