we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
