Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
