We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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