If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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