i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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