Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
