the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
All I want is dick and wine.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
