well you can't waste a boner
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
not ubering you a puppy
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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