Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
