Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
