I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
