I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize