It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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