I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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