fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize