The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
