and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
