So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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