HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
