Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
