Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
