If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
