You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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