Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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