Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
