they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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