I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
