This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize