A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
