and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
