yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We talked him into tasing himself.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Randomize
