dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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