sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
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