I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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