Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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