my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
