Moan for me like Helen Keller
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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