My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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