How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
